


Can't Pretend

by Satine86



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Reality, And then they kiss, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Light Angst, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9913910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satine86/pseuds/Satine86
Summary: She made him want to carefully tear down the walls he had spent his entire life building, brick by painful brick.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CopperCrane2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CopperCrane2/gifts).



> A what-if set between the end of S1 and the Xmas special because I'm in shipper hell. Title (and partial inspiration) comes from Tom Odell's [Can't Pretend ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4-OxOmsqR0)

Don’t drop your guard. Keep the walls up.

It was a fundamental part of his life, not just in a brawl but in everything. He had learned young to put up defenses, cultivating the ability as he had grown older. To the point where he no longer knew what or who he was without them.

Sun got it, got him, that he was sure of. As did Lito, in his own way. Wolfgang had come to appreciate that about both of them. The others, though, they only understood in that particular way the cluster seemed to understand everything about one another. In a way that was knowing and not knowing at the same time. He still found that aspect strange. The knowledge you’d find in an instant, a bit of pinpoint information without the excess. All simply because he was somehow connected to seven other people.

Connected or not, he still kept up his guard. He would help them when he could, and they would help him regardless if he asked or not, but there was still that barrier, a wall. He liked it that way.

At least most of the time.

Everything was different with _her_ though. It was from the first second he saw her, like a glittering diamond in the corner of his eye.

It wasn’t just that she was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. It wasn’t that inkling, that strange draw he felt with everyone in the cluster. The feeling of familiarity with a stranger. Those things might have contributed to it, might have drawn his attention and his curiosity. But there was more to it than just that.

There was the fact she made him want to let down his guard. She made him want to carefully tear down the walls he had spent his entire life building, brick by painful brick.

Wolfgang had first been aware of that feeling in the hospital. When Felix had been hooked up to a respirator and she had appeared next to him, crying. He realized she was beautiful not just outside, but within as well. A kind and gentle heart. So he’d told her about Felix, about growing up together. The moment had almost put him on edge, because it was a weakness, to show that side. To show he cared.

Only there was no malice from her, no reason for her to exploit it like everyone else in his life surely would. So he let himself be vulnerable, secure in the knowledge that she was safe. She was a good person. That, he realized in an instant, was exactly why he couldn’t deconstruct the walls he had in place. That was why he couldn’t let her in: because she was a good person and he was not.

That was made all the more clear when he stood before his uncle, bleeding and broken. Wolfgang could still feel her lips against his. Despite the fact she was not physically there, he still knew exactly how warm she was, how soft her skin was. She was like sunshine, warm and welcoming and he wanted nothing more than to bask in it.

He knew he couldn’t.

All of his anger and frustration and hatred -- for Sergei and his father, for the situation, for himself -- bled through, and he squeezed the trigger again and again and again.

A monster. That was all he was, and all he would ever be. No matter what she might think, or hope, or want.

When it was over he knew she was there, watching in horror at the violence he had wrought. For a fleeting moment he wished it wasn’t this way. That he wasn’t this person, but it was far too late for that.

“That is why you have to marry Rajan.”

Wolfgang tossed the gun onto the desk, the clattering sound seemed louder than it should have been with his ears still ringing from the gunshots, from her bomb -- such a clever trick. 

He had done what he had to, what was needed, still it felt a weight had settled inside his chest. Heavy, constricting as he turned away from her. Guilt seeping into every part of him as he fortified the barriers and prayed she would understand why.

***

“You’re really going then?” Felix tilted his head to one side, squinting in confusion at the dufflebag Wolfgang was currently stuffing a change of clothes into.

Wolfgang glanced around, trying to find his socks. “Yeah.”

“And you won’t tell me why?”

Wolfgang stopped and took in a deep breath. He thought about explaining it all, but that would take time and where would he even begin? “You wouldn’t understand,” he finally said.

“Bullshit, give me a chance.” Felix leaned against the doorframe and arched an eyebrow.

“There’s a girl.”

Felix visibly perked up at the mention, really he should have lead with that from the start. “A girl? Who is this girl?”

“No one you know.” Wolfgang finished his impromptu packing. The plan was barely formulated but Wolfgang thought that was for the best. Less likely to be found out, he supposed. Besides, the longer he waited the less nerve he had. So it was now or never. Do or die. And Felix wasn’t helping with his endless questions.

Felix crossed the room, obviously trying to gauge his friend, his brother. He might have been the best at reading Wolfgang, having spent more than half their lives around each other. But Wolfgang had his defenses, his means of hiding when he wanted to. Right now he really wanted to.

“Must be some girl, hm?” Felix mused.

“Not just some girl, Felix.” Wolfgang shook his head and zipped his bag. He double checked that he had everything he needed, ticking off a mental list. Satisfied, he grabbed his things and turned to his best friend, gently smacking his cheek as he smiled. “ _The_ girl.”

***

Airports were awful. Airplanes were worse.

Capheus had checked in, had wanted to see the clouds. Wolfgang had shut him out.

Sun had tried to talk to him, asked what he was doing. Wolfgang had shut her out too.

Lito and Nomi didn’t try anything, but a strange kind of tickle at the back of his mind told him they had wanted to.

All the practice, all the time spent building up ways to keep people out, had come in quite useful, he thought when his plane touched down. As he shuffled off the plane with the other passengers, arriving in the middle of a bustling, busy airport and heading toward customs, he suddenly realized how stupid he had been.

Wolfgang dodged his way through the sea of people crowding the airport, while he berated himself and wondered how quickly he could leave again. What a fool, what an utter fool. He barely had time to register the person in the corner of his eye before he ran directly into them.

Looking down, his ready apology died on his lips when he meet a pair of large, doe eyes. It was her. Of course it was her.

“I knew it,” she hissed. “I knew you were here.”

Her hand came around his wrist, yanking him away from the crowds. He was only vaguely surprised by her strength as she all but drug him through the airport, instead he was more focused on the feel of her hand; noting exactly how slim her fingers were, how warm and how soft her skin felt. He allowed himself the brief moment to marvel at the fact that he was there and she was real. Not someone living in his head; a ghost haunting him.

Finally deeming them far enough away from prying eyes, she whirled around and shoved him up against a wall, jabbing a finger into his chest. He nearly laughed, realizing exactly how ridiculous the situation was, how ridiculous he was.

“What are you doing here?” She emphasized each word with a jab to his chest.

That sobered him. What was he doing there? He knew what he had been thinking when he bought the ticket and boarded the plane, but that all seemed so absurd now. He supposed the real answer was that he was tired of hiding, tired of pretending. 

“I don’t know,” he said and tried to move away, anything to avoid looking at her face, but she effectively blocked him.

She narrowed her eyes as she looked at him closely. “We both know that isn’t true. You have to say it, Wolfgang. You have to say it.”

He let out a breath slowly, and looked at her with regret. It was better to keep his guard up and pretend it didn’t bother him, pretend that she hadn’t changed everything. “Kala, I....”

She covered her mouth, eyes suddenly glimmering like they were gems. She looked stricken and he wanted nothing more than to take it back. Take it all back.

“You said my name.” Her voice was soft and a little shaky, her fingers barely brushing her lips.

He swallowed thickly. “I did.”

“I was beginning to think you didn’t know it.” She giggled, and brushed away a tear that hadn’t yet fallen.

The weight that had settled inside his chest, in what seemed a lifetime ago, finally loosened. His shoulders relaxed and he thought he could see a little light peeking through the wall for the first time in a long time.

“I know a lot of things,” he said. “I know that I’m an idiot.”

“Yes, you are.” She smiled at him, bright and warm like the sun, and with that Wolfgang decided to kick down the wall down once and for all.

He stepped in close to her, aware of how her breath hitched, and let his fingers brush against hers. “I know that I am absolutely in love with you, Kala Dandekar. And I know that you love me too.”

“Yes, I do.” Now Kala’s smile was even brighter than the sun, radiant and infectious. So Wolfgang did the only thing he could do in response to such a magnificent sight: he kissed her.


End file.
